Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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