matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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