Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Randomize
