Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
