I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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