I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
