I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
