My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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