There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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