Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
