there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
