I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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