my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
