The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
