Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
