can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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