walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
