During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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