just tell him i said nine months
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
