I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
