he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I will pee on everything he values.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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