Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
