Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
