I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
so much tequila, so little girl.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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