I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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