i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
