I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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