I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
