I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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