piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
