He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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