I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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