im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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