I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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