u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
