all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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