I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
