That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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