The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
