I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
