I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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