Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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