I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
