A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
