Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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