You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
