I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
