I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
