can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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