My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
